I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
