go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So vagazzling was a success
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
