You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
