I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
