Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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