The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
