I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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