When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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