WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
