I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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