I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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