so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
