Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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