all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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