other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
