I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
