I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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