remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
