he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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