She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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