just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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