i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
