Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
