he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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