Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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