he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
foreskin is a definite game changer
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
