all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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