I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
