i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
