yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
