I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
