Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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