he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
