Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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