Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
