You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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