this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
