can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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