My cat gives me a boner
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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