Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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