low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
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I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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