explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
last night I used snow as a chaser
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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