He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
