I puked a lego.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
