Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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