don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
