If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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