Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
