community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize