I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
