last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon