mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
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I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.