Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
