My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
