All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
