My Higher Power is John Stamos
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
