My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
