I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
