Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm really busy with my period
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