I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
